Thursday, September 29, 2011
Gosh, I sort of quarrelled with her again yesterday... That's our medium of communication? I am passively aftering you in my heart and yet all these quarrelling to make your impression towards me fluctuate, was it even necessary?
Look man, Its not that I LOVE quarrelling with you...But its just that using harsh tones can only make you so-called "wake up" from your weaknesses. Everytime when I speak to you nicely compared to a harsh one, you end up got less alerted and tentatively take it slowly than when I am harsh to you. Im sorry that whatever I quarrel with you always end up I demoralised you, but I believe its the only way to alert your weaknesses because I realised NO ONE out there is scolding you. And so here I am to do the "bad guy's" job to direct you into the correct path for your own good. It's a way of showing concern isnt it, even though it was a harsh one?
Of course when you finally walk onto the right path of life and get rid of your bad habits, I wont be scolding you when unnecessary aye? I can tell that sometimes you are unhappy with my naggyness and disputes with you, but come'mon if it can agitate you to improve for the better in exchange for you feeling unhappy with me, it's worth it right? :)
Heys it's precisely because I love you and care about you that's why im doing all the scolding... My god, im aftering you passively and do I even need to necessarily make you get unhappy with me when I am supposed to make your impression with me better and better each day, such that you will change your mind one day?
But all I want to let you know is that im showing my WORSE side to you. And which in other words means that if we were to get into a relationship, this is the worse side of me! I am serious! I wont be like the other guys who are aftering you or how your ex boyfriends when they are aftering you they show their best side to you initially and then after that, their petformance decrease each day until you all have to quarrel one day and finally break off. instead, here I am showing my worse side to you first then later on each day I show better and better performance as a ... Boyfriend or whatever that you call it. Damn, it hurts each time when I have to scold you do you know that? I dont enjoy scolding you at all! You are someone who I love, why would I want to upset or hurt you? ...
Alright thats all for now, time to resume gym and train up! :)
Signing off...
Xenon Tan
Finished @ 2:01 PM
Sunday, September 25, 2011
I am back! :)
Finally things are settled between me and her! That feeling of great relief from sorrow and anxiety is inexplicable... Even though we still cant be together yet, but ultimately I believe one day we will. This men's instinct of mine prediction 9 out of 10 always become reality. Waiting for that feeling to become reality... Be it weeks, months or years I believe it is definitely worth the waiting for a lovely girl like her. Damn, I realised the power of love can motivate and change me so much without me realising it...
Waiting for a girl be it how long it takes? Xenon doing that? If words of this spread around to everyone, I believe 9 out of 10 people will say I am seriously nuts. But seriously! There's really nothing wrong with falling in love! It just comes naturally! I will really wait till the day when you say the sentence - "I accept you". To be together with you, It will be Xenon's bliss and honor in this lifetime.
Time to face reality has come though. I have 3 paths to choose for the next stage of life though...
- Ngee ann Polytechnic Diploma in Business Studies
- SIM Diploma in Management studies
- National service
Seriously, I cant bear to leave those reality memories that I have left in NYP. The friends, hardship, feelings, life and encounters. During this 2 years, I realised I have really grown up a lot and diversified into a much higher quality of life. Most importantly, the only one I truely loved and cherished in NYP is her. To leave NYP means that I wont be able to see her that often and engage in events together with her. It ever almost stopped me from leaving NYP because I really cant bear to leave her. She may appear just like an ordinary girl, but the impact and her importance she brought on me is really, really, really....Precious.
Nevertheless, I still have to leave and enter another world of higher dimension so as to improve myself constantly and seek to achieve my career goals in life. After leaving NYP, I swear that I seriously will miss those encounter memories with her in NYP. I ever made a promise to myself before - "Cherish, protect and guide her in life". I will keep on improving myself and attain achievements in life so as to share them with her. I will wait for her till that day comes, and I will bring her along to travel this beautiful journey with me. The only one.
Hmm...Sometimes I really wonder how important am I to her. Seriously, until now I still dont really know the answer even though she told me before. Because the way she treats me in real life and what she said in that letter...It doesnt complements at all. Anyway, I guess it doesnt matters though right? Well... Her gullibility has literally veiled her true feelings from me. It might be mushy to say this...But because of her blurness, she is really cute at times. I never ever felt so comfortable and secured with a person like this before, someone who can place my 100% trust in her without doubts. I only have 2 person I truely trusted in my life... One is Senthil, one is her.
She do have feelings for that guy though... Seriously, It hurts terribly when I learn about that and have to see them progressing to getting closer each day. Judging from things at this rate, they have a high change of getting together. Love can be just so sacrificial at times... Even though that feeling I have towards her is inexplicable, experiencing great pain in my heart in exchange for wishing her to be happy in life...It is definitely worth it.
Alright I shall end here for now. Keep telling myself: "Yes, you can!"
Signing off...
Xenon Tan.
Finished @ 5:56 PM
Monday, September 19, 2011
Today was my first time tearing in front of a girl...
Today was my first time hugging someone that I truely loved...
Today was my most hurtful moment...
Today was my last time meeting her...
I decided to forget her.
It was the best solution for us
I finally experienced what true love was.
It was to care, guide and protect that one and only girl from everything at all cost,
Be it you are together with her or not...
I swear I never felt so painful in my 18 years life before.
I realised that I was already even prepared to sacrifice everything for her happiness.
Many teenagers out there attached claim they went through love before
But trivial matters can actually easily break those couples apart...
And that is teenagers' so-called true love?
How can this be called true love?!
No one can understand how I feel now at all...
For someone I truely love but cant be together with her...
I remember telling her that option 2 was to forget her and never see her again...
But I couldnt do it...
Each time I tried forgetting her I end up remembering her even more...
Just to feel more and more hurt each day...
My heart was so painful today that I have to grab hold of my chest to
alleviate the pain...
I still wish to see her...
I still want to do things for her...
Yet at the same time I cant see her...
I really love her a lot...
The only things I could do from now on was to protect her from problems
without her knowing in low profile...
One thing I really felt angry though about was her judgmental perspectives.
She perceived me as a "brother" only to her...
Which she said that it was impossible for us to be together...
Are feelings towards a guy really that important?!
For your past 3 ex-boyfriends that you had feelings for...
Was your judgemental feelings about them right in the end?
The first and second guy dumped you...
The third guy controlled you...
If your feelings were accurate that you feel its important in a relationship,
why would you end up having 3 WRONG ex-boyfriends?!
DId you got what you expected from them in the end? A long term love?
You have no feelings for me now that i understand.
But because of a "brother perspective" that stops you from considering me.
All I wished for was just that.....Little chance to be with you and prove myself.
But instead, you gave those chances to your 3 ex-boyfriends and they
disappointed you in the end...
Why even these horrible guys had a chance but not me?!
How I wished I was anyone of them at that point of time of your life to have a
real chance to show my true love as a boyfriend towards you,
Just that little chance...
To be with you and ONE chance to give me some time to adapt your feelings
towards even though I understand you dont have feelings for me now...
Isnt' true love supposed to be nurtured instead of liking a guy through your heart feelings prediction towards that guy?
It was totally my own mistake that I did things to let you perceive me as a "brother" instead as "someone chasing after you". Here are the few predestined possibilities that made you perceived me as a "brother" to you:
- Perhaps our 6 months age gap really matters to you? Which makes you forever perceive me as a junior who is "younger" than you?
- I always tease and sometimes "act childish" towards you, no doubt you see me as a "brother" instead of "someone chasing after you". I may be acting childish on the surface, but in my heart I have been always serious about you.
- I never been through any relationships before, such that you feel insecure and a lack of sense of security from me?
Or if not, there could be some other possibilities too...
You told me one of my weaknesses was that I am too influenced with girls topic etc that made you felt uncomfortable... It was absolutely right if this was a factor to making you lose confidence in me too. Indeed I did talk to those guys about girls' topic...
But that's a boy's topic of course we do talk about it... No doubt that you may have the mindset that I am a flirtacious guy in your mind... But well, whats the point of saying all this now anyway... Its too late... I do have really a lot to tell you face to face... Though what I said when I confessed to you was in summarized content... A pity I cant talk to you like how we used to did in the past anymore... The laughters, problems, guidances, help, teasings... I really miss those days, no one can ever substitude you in those memories... Why cant we just have a chance to be together... Is it really such a demanding request? My only wish was to be that guy by your side... To care, guide, help, love, improve, share and trust you... And yet Im tearing now while typing as I am reminiscencing about those memories...
(A true life story of how a girl changed my everything)
More than a year ago, I was enrolled to Nanyang Polytechnic DET Diploma Year 1.
Everything was really a fresh start.
However, my arrogance and retarded characteristics later slowly offended many people and became very unwelcomed by most people and my classmates.
Slowly, I fall into the trend of life downfall...
I slowly hated school, people and everything...
I became anti-social, didnt trust anyone and developed vengeance...
My life was like....Really crap.
Soon 2 months later, I coincidentally came across this email on joining mentoring club. I joined the cca because of only one reason - CCA points. On this first day of orientation, I was really scared to socialize with anyone. That's when I started knewing this girl... My first impression of her was that she was just an average looking, tomboyish but friendly ordinary girl. I remember playing table tennis with her weekly as I wanted to play too that time. I slowly came to know of her as a friend...Just really a new normal friend. We chatted oftently through smses and msn, I slowly knew her better. Somehow later, she told me that I was very "Alone" and anti-social, that I should socialise much more outside. At that point of time, she was the first person to bring me exploring on the start of my journey. She brought me to meet her friends and outings... Indeed initially, me an immature 17 year old guy, created a lot of crap troubles for her... But she did not judge me for who I am at all. Everyone either dislike, ignore or hated me for my really unwelcoming personality... But she, continued encouraging me to socialize more and put in really some effort just to get me interacting with people. Thats when I started to get slightly closer to her and interacted more. She made me join school events, activities and gatherings... Slowly, my "anti-socialness" alleviates and got a little more lively. I was a little more happy man that point of time.
I liked her at that point of time but she was attached.
Everything remained the same until one event happened that became part of a turning point for my life. There was this incident when I offended her boyfriend at that point of time and he got really unhappy with me. Being sandwiched between me and her bf's dispute, she felt really helpless and even cried. The matter was brought to a resolution when she have to keep a distance away from me because of her bf's unhappiness and they even quarrelled. Being a naive and stubborn person at that time, I thought she was a selfish person and in a impulse of short-temper, I scolded her much and made her really disappointed with me. A few weeks later, I came to learn the truth that she actually defended me by sacrificing herself so as not to let her bf gave troubles to me and promised that she would keep a distance away from me as long as her bf did not give me any troubles. I got very touched at that point of time and I even accused her wrongly, which made her very angry and disappointed with me later on. Our friendship became distant after that incident.
Nevertheless, she taught me life theories and how to learn from my mistakes and all that. I can still remember one life theory sentence she taught me: "Dont simply assume things". Despite me giving her disappointment and loads and loads of trouble, she continued treating me fairly as how she treated the other friends. Almost all of my friends would not have bothered to spend time with me, especially with a "worthless" person like me at that time. She made me realised that my characteristics tuned for the better and was impressed by the way she help people without judging them for who they are, especially when she is a girl and most girls wont have bothered spending time doing this. I can even still remember the first time when she treated me to eat sushi for the first time (Never tried) and cheered me up a lot. At times, she would spend time sitting down with me just to make the effort to comfort and help me with problems. I started getting attracted by her. However later on, I disappointed her again by giving her another major trouble and our friendship got really negligible.
We did not meet or talk for months, during this period of time I thinked through a lot on my personal development and attitude problems. I told myself that I will set her as a benchmark and learn from her characterisitcs. It was because of all the impacts she made on my life, she made me realised a lot of beautiful things in life. During those months, I self-interacted much thanks to after she helped me to start interacting in activities. I forced myself to undergo high exposures to constantly improve myself for example, interacting with people of higher ages than me such as ministers and uni students. Somehow fate brought us to meet together again in a few coincidental events later on even though at that point of time we were still in a poor friendship situation. She brought me to join events such as YOG dance, Chingay dance, Sungei Buloh Guides Training, Samsung Torch etc. Other than that, she also advised me on my clothes fashion change and thats when I started to change the clothes I wore to the better.
We slowly met more oftently again and my life became more interesting as time passes compared to the mundane past. At this point of time, I was already a much more improved version of Ming Hao compared to the past. After a few months, she and her boyfriend broke up. Fate then brought me on much occasions to meet her more later on and instead this time round, I helped her with problems. It made us slowly became closer and closer. At that time, I started to think through everything about her and noticed her more. She was the girl that stood by my side at my worst part of my life a year ago and guided me to breakthrough from all those life challenges. She became a very important historic character etched in my memories and heart.
Many guys liked her and started chasing after her. When I knew that at that point of time, I started to felt nervous and asked myself why I felt that way. It was then I realised that I had really fell in love with her after a few incidents we went through. I told myself that I would repay her and take care of her in life, but didnt really knew I have already fell so much in love with her till "that" extend. The impact that she made in my life has created a "scar love memory" that no one can ever substitude. Its the same logic as outside no 1 man and 1 woman can ever replace your biological parents no matter how good they are and like them a lot. A fact is forever a fact. She was the one meant for me and no matter how good other girls were, she will always be that number 1 girl in my heart whenever I thinked about what I am today because of her. Without her, I would have probably be the same as the terrible past me off or worse. She has become a savior that I truely love and will cherish for the rest of my life. She was the girl that steped into my past life and changed everything of me into another better person. The one and only girl that made it happened and will always be first ranked girl in my life. That fact will never ever change. I started working real hard intensively to earn money so that I could provide her a smooth life if i were to chase after her.
Recently I even confessed to her.
I was really happy when I finally said out my feelings to her after more than 1 year. It was my happiest day of my life till now, She made all this happened. I felt really blessed and mentally prepared to be together. However her reply was... She only sees me as a "brother"... I swear that feeling of "most happy to most sorrowful" moment will never ever be forgotten... I could actually cried for her, just for her... I have already given my whole heart to her that I cant control my feelings now... She said she didnt had feelings towards me... Really cant give a chance to nurture and let time tell? Its not about false hope, but its about proving that I can make your life more beautiful. And that, my heart will always belong to you. I may be younger than you by a few months, but I am really confident of being the man of your life that I am willing to change for the better each day for you. Though you still dont fully understand the price I am willing to pay for you... No matter what you become, you will forever be that beautiful origin part of my life.
Your simplicity makes me feel comfortable and secured with you,
Your appearance may be average looking but you have the nicest inner beauty in my heart,
Your blurness and decency will forever be what I love about you,
Your heart will always be as pure as gold to me,
Your name will forever be etched in my heart and life, till the day I die.
If I really must sacrifice my life happiness for your happiness, I am willing to do it. I will never ever forget you, I am prepared to withstand the most painful memories. I truly love you that I am wiliing to do anything for you. Thank you for everything.
Finished @ 1:51 AM
